I can’t believe it. I am one step closer to my dream. I got the interview! I have a real chance of going to CU Med School! I ran around my parents house screaming with joy.
reality is sometimes very hard to face. i have been hiding, from pain and hurt that i didn’t want to admit was affecting me, but it is. thankfully i have two wonderful women in my life who care enough about me to listen and to show me truth when i cannot see it.
I started on a journey with God over two years ago to heal my heart from a very painful past. I have come a long ways and a lot of the pain is lessened. But what is left? I used to have scars on my heart. Places where it had been torn apart and I patched it back together. It was ugly but it was still intact. Then I trusted God to fix my heart. I gave it to Him and He began to slowly, and...
I'm writing a talk
and I thought it would be easy, or if not easy at least straight forward. But I really want it to be rooted in the Bible, in what God says so that it’s not just my experience and/or opinion. And I have searched and found some good passages, but then I realized those passages are nothing without my story. A story I have told very few, very trusted people. And now I’m going to get up in...
Today I had the privilege of hearing three women’s hearts. These are women whom I have known in some capacity for some time. But today they truly honored me. They invited me into their stories and they allowed me to take on a role in their lives. It is an area where I have been struggling: leadership. Most of my life I knew I was a strong leader, but this past semester really took a toll on...
So I'm at home
and I’m missing my friends, my college life, things to do, all of that. But I have to say that so far (only 2 days in) this is the best trip home I’ve ever had. I have freedom to leave my parents house and go see people. My mom is respecting that I do get to make my own choices. And its pretty much great, but I just wish I could be in Tempe and here at the same time, I miss everything.
i only wish i could sleep easily
i can nap during the day, in class, on the couch, whatever. but i try to sleep at night and rest is elusive. its getting to be a huge problem.
is the word of the day. got up too early because i had to go to work. worked too long for too little. can’t do anything now because i can hardly keep my eyes open.
that life could just stay one way for a while. that i could meet a great man and fall head-over-heels in love. that i could be healed, completely and totally free of all the things that have wounded me. that i could just escape. that life could stop throwing me curve balls. that weddings weren’t so hard for me to attend.
Its been 47 days
since my last post. at that time i thought i would never find the way out, i would never be on the other side, i was truly without hope. i am now very happy to say that i am standing on the other side. i am looking over my shoulder at who i was less that two months ago and i can’t believe it. i have grown more than i ever thought possible. i have been doubted, and i ignored it. i have been...
time for me
i have been going non-stop since everyone came back for school. i moved other people out. i moved out. i moved other people in. i moved in. i started school. i work. i literally have no time for me, and by proxy i have no time for god. this literally is breaking my heart. i have been giving 110% everyday to school, work, and caring for others. but i haven’t had the time to sit in the quiet...
i’ve had a lot of them recently. i stay up for no reason other than i can’t get my head to quiet down long enough to fall asleep. i can be drop dead tired and my mind is still whirring away relentlessly. i know that its part of what god is doing in my heart right now. i know that good things happen in those wee hours. but i have to say that i am really tired of not sleeping. i really...
I watched the sunrise today
From the beautiful top of A-mountain I watched the day be painted onto the earth. I sat for over an hour as the light changed, as cars began to head out for work, as trains began rolling on the tracks, as plane began coming and going. I watched mountains appear out of darkness. I watched the sky change from black to purple to pink to orange. Right before the sun made its grand appearance it cast...
The vanity of living wisely. “For of the wise as of the fool there is no enduring remembrance, seeing that in the days to come all will have been long forgotten. How the wise dies just like the fool! (Eccl 2:16)” No matter how anyone lives they have only a short time on this earth. It can be filled with many things, many moments, much knowledge, many people, but ultimately everyone...
The vanity of self-indulgence. “And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the...
i went to church
all by myself today. this is a first for me. never before in my life have i walked through church doors, sat in a seat and listened all through the service with no friends or family. i didn’t play games, i just listened. i did it! i was compelled last week by this same church to read my bible. so i went back, i don’t really know why, i can’t explain it. i just had this feeling...
Vanity of wisdom. “For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow. (Eccl 1:18)” When you learn, its not just good things. Birth and death, prosperity and poverty, good deeds and crimes, nurturers and murderers. You even learn things about yourself; smart and pretentious, generous and jealous, quiet and distant, strong and standoffish. Sometimes...
I have been led to read Ecclesiastes. Something I have never committed to before, but I feel so strongly about now. “What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. (Eccl 1:9)” This sounds so hopeless to me. And as I sit here and ponder, I understand. There is nothing in this world that is completely individual,...
around people. All weekend. From the moment I got off work on Friday evening until this very moment. It is so different to be with my friends and feel loved all day. I have been choosing to be alone even though I have these wonderful friends. This weekend I just took a chance. I went home to have a hard talk and to shower, and when that was over they were here to support me. I yelled profanities...
It has been so long since I sat in a church, sang songs, listened to a man on stage who knows God and loves God and talks about God, and God talks through him. I have to say, it was good. Not the part where I realized I have been straying, but the part when I just listened. That time where I sat in a room full of the Holy Spirit and I let it enter me. I allowed myself to just listen and to take...
I like words. I like to look up exactly what they mean. It helps me to process what I’m feeling if I can find the perfect word, used with all its definitions. It provides depth to my feelings and it makes it seem more concrete. so today my word is vacuum. vacuum - a region that is devoid of matter, an empty area or space, the absence of matter I feel like inside there is a vacuum. I have...
the past two days i spent time with a friend. i thoroughly enjoyed catching up on the things in her life i missed, and i loved telling her about mine. i have been ridiculed for this. i have been told that i am making a mistake. and to those people i say, i love her, and since i love her i want to be with her. and i know that is not the only way to love her but its the only way i know how. some...
…excitement …fear …fear …fear …fear …excitement …fear Its so confusing.