Open Space

I started on a journey with God over two years ago to heal my heart from a very painful past. I have come a long ways and a lot of the pain is lessened. But what is left?
I used to have scars on my heart. Places where it had been torn apart and I patched it back together. It was ugly but it was still intact. Then I trusted God to fix my heart. I gave it to Him and He began to slowly, and painfully, remove the scars. He scraped them out and replaced the missing parts. It wasn’t easy and it isn’t done yet but it was, and is, incredibly freeing.
But now… Well I’m trying to figure that out. All of these things that have been a part of my life for a long time, things that defined me, are gone. And I have holes in myself. Places that are just empty now. It is devastating. I want to fill up the holes and I know that I should wait on God and let Him fill them as I am ready but it is terrifying to have a hole in yourself. To have a part of you that is just void. Nothing good, but nothing bad; just totally empty. I am full of holes that I am trying not to fill but it is so much easier to fill them with things I know, or things that make me feel better, than let them sit empty.
I feel incomplete. I feel like I could just disappear with a few more holes. I feel like I am nothing because I don’t even know all of me. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to trust but it is hard. I am trying to wait for God’s time and God’s plan but it’s not in my time and my plan is to feel better. It makes me distant and angry and sad and scared and not as close to God as I wish to be. I am lost and I need to find me. But God is not showing me where I am. He is taking His sweet time getting around to filling those holes.

and I thought it would be easy, or if not easy at least straight forward. But I really want it to be rooted in the Bible, in what God says so that it’s not just my experience and/or opinion. And I have searched and found some good passages, but then I realized those passages are nothing without my story. A story I have told very few, very trusted people. And now I’m going to get up in front of who knows how many women and show them this very vulnerable part of me. And last night I realized that really scares me, and yet I know I will do it. I know that it is powerful to say, that it empowers me and make me freer and that it will empower other women who haven’t had the gall to say the words to anyone. But I am scared, I don’t want to be judged, I don’t want to be set aside, I want to be loved because I can say it. I am freaking out, my heart races, my mind goes crazy, and I just want someone to say they will love me more, they will just hold me until I know that it will be okay.

Today I had the privilege of hearing three women’s hearts. These are women whom I have known in some capacity for some time. But today they truly honored me. They invited me into their stories and they allowed me to take on a role in their lives. It is an area where I have been struggling: leadership. Most of my life I knew I was a strong leader, but this past semester really took a toll on that confidence. I had a lot of doubts about my ability, but I knew I loved these women and i felt a calling from God to be with them. I see now why He put me in their lives. I have walked where they are walking; I don’t claim to have it all figured out but I do know a thing or two about trusting God through the really hard times. I have not been as joyful as I am tonight in a very long time. Today I was inspired to lead, to continue to pursue Jesus, to follow where God leads me. I was offered vulnerable hearts and I hope to do them justice; I hope to protect them, to care for them, to be there for them. I know this; I will love them as best I can guided by God.

and I’m missing my friends, my college life, things to do, all of that. But I have to say that so far (only 2 days in) this is the best trip home I’ve ever had. I have freedom to leave my parents house and go see people. My mom is respecting that I do get to make my own choices. And its pretty much great, but I just wish I could be in Tempe and here at the same time, I miss everything.

i can nap during the day, in class, on the couch, whatever. but i try to sleep at night and rest is elusive. its getting to be a huge problem.

is the word of the day. got up too early because i had to go to work. worked too long for too little. can’t do anything now because i can hardly keep my eyes open.

that life could just stay one way for a while.

that i could meet a great man and fall head-over-heels in love.

that i could be healed, completely and totally free of all the things that have wounded me.

that i could just escape.

that life could stop throwing me curve balls.

that weddings weren’t so hard for me to attend.

since my last post. at that time i thought i would never find the way out, i would never be on the other side, i was truly without hope. i am now very happy to say that i am standing on the other side. i am looking over my shoulder at who i was less that two months ago and i can’t believe it. i have grown more than i ever thought possible. i have been doubted, and i ignored it. i have been shot down and i just got back up. i have triumphed recently, i have turned the corner and i now see better things. i know that there will still be bad days and hard times but i am certain there will also be good days and good times. i am facing new adventures in my life with gusto, i have no clue what i’m doing or what i’m getting myself into but i really want to give it a shot. i want to try, i want to see god act, i want to see the changes he is still making in my life. i am scared to death that i am going to screw things up, i am scared that i will hurt others, i am scared that i will get hurt. i am scared because everything is new but i am choosing to trust that god is holding me in his hand and he will protect me in whatever is to come.